[sxxxy.org] Pastor Orders Men to Only Think About Jesus While Masturbating

[NewsWhore]

Pastor Orders Men to Only Think About Jesus While Masturbating (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1100/masturbation.html): The new policy is not without its limitations, however. "While the Bible does not outlaw masturbation, it severely restricts the circumstances under which it may occur," noted Pastor Deacon Fred. The first restriction is that no Landover gentleman will be permitted to reach the stage of ejaculation. "The Bible is very clear that a man's seed is for copulation only," noted Pastor. "In fact, the Bible says that when Onan chose not to copulate and instead released his seed on the ground, God was so angry that he struck Onan dead (Genesis 38:9-10). The last thing we need is some media scandal as reporters click photos of colored janitors removing corpses from Landover restrooms." Recognizing that a few men may err and sin by not stopping in time, the new policy requires all who decide to participate in the act to register with Pastor Deacon Fred. Specially made Tupperware seed-containers will be signed out of his office by Mrs. Watkins who will be keeping a record to guard against overuse. The sinner must catch his mistake in his numbered container before it reaches the ground. All containers are to be returned to Mrs. Watkins within one hour of check-out. The contents will be collected each week in a larger vat and provided to Mary Lou's Christian Salon where it will be used to treat dry, scaly skin.
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